Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Cycle of Domestic Violence Blog

Domestic violence is a horrific beast that rears its’ ugly head in families from all walks of life. In 2008 alone, Montgomery County reported 3,433 domestic violence incidents. This number only represents the incidents that were reported to the authorities, which means there are many other silent, suffering victims among us. Domestic Violence knows no boundaries and no one is “immune” to experiencing the devastation of an abusive relationship. We all would like to think that we will never find ourselves in such a hurtful relationship, however, you may have friends, family, or neighbors that are in the midst of an abusive relationship, yet when among others, they may be wearing a happy mask to hide the hurt. We’d like to think that we could spot a perpetrator of domestic violence a mile away, and yet, both batterers and victims look like you and me- they could be that charming coworker, the outgoing hair stylist, the well-respected government official… they could be anyone! And while victims are generally reported as being female, males too can be victims of domestic violence. Likewise, domestic violence can occur in both heterosexual and homosexual relationships.

*For all intents and purposes of this blog, I will refer to the batterer as “he,” however as mentioned before, batterers can be both male and female.

For those of us who haven’t experienced domestic violence, it seems as though the solution is simple enough… why don’t the victims just leave? Unfortunately, the act of leaving isn’t as simple as many people think. Oftentimes, victims have been isolated from their support systems by the batterer because he wanted to remain in control of the victim and by “butting” out friends and family, the victim is forced to rely on the batterer for everything from day-to-day interaction to money for groceries.

We often think that domestic violence constitutes only emotional, sexual, psychological and physical abuse, however another form of control and abuse comes in the form of withholding or restricting financial resources. Many times the batterer will coerce the victim into quitting her job to gain more control and may even disguise this controlling tactic by saying something like, “I just want to take care of you and don’t want you to have to work.” This can be so damaging because even if the victim has the desire to leave, she may no have control over the financial resources that would make leaving the relationship more feasible. And when children are involved, the situation only becomes more difficult because the victim wants to be able to provide for the children, however without the financial means and without a solid support system, this task may feel nearly impossible.

Another important aspect of victims remaining in the violent relationship has to do with the “cycle of domestic violence.” The act of abuse is often cyclical in nature and begins with the tension building stage where the victim may sense negativity from the batterer and feel as though it is necessary to tip-toe around, trying not to bring much attention to herself and trying to avoid the actions that tend to irritate the batterer. This period of time can last anywhere from a matter of minutes or weeks and eventually builds up and leads up to the next stage in the cycle, which is when the violent outburst occurs. The batterer will often justify his actions by stating, “I wouldn’t have hurt you if you hadn’t… (fill in the blank).” The important thing to remember as the victim is that there is never a justifiable reason to be battered and beaten, no matter what the batterer may say.

The next part of the cycle is the piece that brings the victim right back to the battering relationship. After the violent incident has occurred, the batterer reels the victim back in during a period of time that is described as the honeymoon phase. It is during this seemingly pleasant period that the batterer will “wine and dine” the victim and may apologize saying, “I’m so sorry I hurt you! That is the last time I will ever do that- I am a changed man!” While this period may last a significant period of time, the cycle tends to continue through to the tension building, violent outburst, and then back into the honeymoon phase.

This cycle mixed with the social isolation and financial instability makes leaving the abusive relationship feel utterly impossible. Fortunately, there are resources in our community as well as all throughout the country that will help victims get away from the violence or that will offer support until the victim is ready to leave.

YWCA of Dayton: (937) 222-SAFE (Local Domestic Violence Hotline)- Assists in explaining options as well as in safety planning. http://www.ywcadayton.org

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE- The National Domestic Violence Hotline links individuals and services using a nationwide database of domestic violence and other emergency shelters, legal advocacy and assistance programs, and social services programs. The hotline provides crisis intervention, information about other sources of assistance, and referrals to battered women’s shelters. http://www.ndvh.org

Springboro Medical Wellness: (937) 619-0444- Domestic Violence Counseling http://www.healingbodyandminds.com